28.10.22
o que está na minha mente e o que está na minha mente e o que está na minha mente e o que está na minha mente

é muito fácil esquecer que tudo o que conhecemos não é definido, não é absoluto, não é concreto, e sim, está sujeito a mudanças. mudanças inclusive da nossa parte, redefinições de nossa parte.
nos perguntarmos o motivo de tão firmemente acreditar em um conceito, tanto que negamos possíveis novos modos de interpretar. e aí você se fecha. e se fecha. e se fecha. e se limita. e acabou 'você'.

i don't think people know how to be great without letting go of your ego and everything you thought you knew.

if it feels uncomfortable and you can't quite understand why you feel a certain way, then there is something to be learned.
it's like watching those shows you know they're gonna pull some unnecessary shit when there is no need to. i guess i should consider it human nature (though it would be an excuse for ignorance everyone is aware of). still, it's strange to me they can't think ahead of them. the most effective path to reach a better, improved self and understanding. i guess i won't ever know why they are hurt by that. i don't see why it hurts in the first place.

it's like they forgot to question themselves on what they see as important... repeating the same ideas over and over for years but forgotten the reason. to question it even. can it be seen differently now, that you're older? has nothing really changed? are your standards really all the same? or is something great only when you have someone else to compare yourself to?
is it only great if you prove to yourself you know something while making sure others are aware of that?
is it only great if you have proof through society's standards way of making you feel validated?
is it only great if you're in the privileged group that has been recognized for decades?
is it only great when you have all the conventional means to explain yourself and your place in the world? and how much you belong to it? how much you have authority over it?

you can be curious, though... are you asking the questions that matter the most to learning more instead of convenience? are you asking the questions even when you can't look good in any way for it?
are you asking the questions that won't be of interest from most people?

i choose what makes it important. nobody's past or future determines that. no society will ever define what is important and how much. i don't follow that. i don't work that way.

27.10.22

damn this bitch do be projecting real hard.

i can see you're running away from what you truly feel, it must be hard hiding that from yourself and others around you.
as long as people tell you you're right, though, isn't it?

honestly it was the worst of the worst to apply a neurotypical mindset to me and say it should be obvious. lemme tell you, it isn't. but i can't make you understand that. selective knowledge.

you made it clear making sense isn't your priority.

29.08.22

my problem is that if someone i consider lame tries to insult me, i see it as a compliment

and i can see that really bothers them, whenever they feel offended its like a threat to their entire existence.

15.08.22
medicated

is it possible to ever function normally in this society without stimulants? i truly dont think so lol.
i love them to the point im the most healthy when im taking them

30.07.22

going a little insane is normal

27.07.22
on my own

i cant talk to people who lived normal and stable lives anymore.

tired of those i meet who take what they admire in my person for them, as if thats just a trait they get to show off. these are the consequences of everything that happened and the way i chose and learned to deal with them. by myself. for myself. always by myself.

i am not confident and sure of myself because its cool, but because i know i can do it. i know what i am. i know what i stand for. i know myself. and that took so much fucking effort and energy, while they were only watching. always, only watching. i had to help myself when they werent looking my way, and now they suddenly admire me?
now they suddenly want to be like me? now they suddenly wanna go against everyone and everything for it? thats funny. because thats when they have nothing to lose anymore.

10.07.22
heavy conscience speaks for itself

you can cry, you can scream, you can complain. the one who makes your own fears come true is you, yourself only.

did you forget you're an adult, therefore responsible for your own actions too?
how long are you going to blame others for your current state? how long are you going to compare your coping mechanisms to those of people who are minors or had traumatic pasts? our stories and problems are not yours. they do not relate to people like you.

se liga. essas palavras não são suas para usar.

05.07.22

sometimes i want to collect things from media i like but i dont like having stuff at the same time.
its important to reward yourself and all but i dont want a lot of attachments, keeping me in one place, in a certain state of mind etc.
basically, i want to rely less and less on material objects.

lonely
05.07.22

kinda pathetic how volatile my state of mind is sometimes. how do i learn to give myself the support that was denied for years?
i feel lonely. not the type of loneliness others could make it better, only myself.

29.06.22

i wish i didnt.
is it the drugs again? it isnt. i control that very well. what is it?

26.06.22
selective knowledge

we're not made to live like this. its not my fault i dont feel any satisfaction, they only want me to be good at knowing what they want, bending the rules of science with borrowed words and incomplete understanding, at their service.
the only person i listen to is myself.

23.06.22
no need to pretend

i dont trust their own image of themselves. always decide that on your own.

01.06.22

i'm tired of contradictions. the logic i need to have in mind when dealing with people is always the opposite of what i think its just common sense, seems like. how can i improve myself if i'm always expecting the worst from people?
maybe i'll never know. maybe i really am that disconnected from them.

26.05.22
emotions

you know theres something wrong with me when im updating too often. tbf theres always something wrong with me so whatever. lol
ive always wanted to know why i have my thoughts organized in categories and folders for every possible situation i currently know and have experience with, ready to use them at any time.

i describe it as a set of patterns i call emotions. i identify, name them, connect and apply. repeat. repeat. repeat.

23.05.22
acceptance

ive always believed in: we dont know shit, i dont know shit. everyday i wake up and things i know are now a little far from what i considered the truth.

i wont judge you for getting stuck, im stuck too in some parts of myself i wake up and choose to ignore everyday.
but i know for a fact, i wont ever choose avoidance for the sake of conserving this ego of mine.

18.05.22

i liked sub pet boys before it was cool but since we're here: sub pets. you're all valid and cute.

18.05.22
waste

you complain, talk about your thoughts which are valid and they start taking their own actions to "solve" that problem like its their place to decide. like its their place to act. do they ever ask? do they ever ask what would help *you*? do they ever ask how *you* feel about it? do they ever ask for *your* opinions and views on solving an issue? and also, of course, getting mad at you for not appreciating their effort. thats pathetic.

i have destroyed them over and over in my own head for years. of course they're all rotten, living with that guilt cant be good for you.

17.05.22
support

when i was around 6, for some reason i got really into knowing more about drugs. of course adults thought it was weird but its not like my family ever bothered to care.

i still like them, they're always there for me.

06.02.22
asmr

i like asmr when theyre not trying to make asmr, not intentional and all. i like cheap mics and camera noises
i wish we had more content like that tbh

as a kid i really liked when a friend played with my hair, when they helped my other friend with something on a textbook, when my neighbour walked in her heels every morning before work...