this 'anger issues' page isnt linked anywhere, trigger warning for possibly everything :3

what the fuck is my problem dude? i cant stay like this sober. i want to give up bc it seems like its useless tryingto be different than who i was in the past. its just all the same old shit.
i feel sick. like i havent changed. i need my benzos back

have you ever wondered if there really is blood flowing through your veins? sometimes i need to make sure im really alive. i know im not complete, i know im not a fully human being. i know something is missing. i dont react, only in anger. im so tired.
i also hate how the urges are coming back because of a stupid dream. i keep fantasizing about it. yet i wont admit i need help because who the fuck will understand me. professionals are easily manipulated so what is the point if they can't see through me.
i cant do it myself but i also cant stop...

ill never let this reach those who i consider close but... i know they notice.

i wish my childhood were different. i did not know love. it wasnt taught to me. i did not feel loved. i was always jealous of my friend's normal parents and normal problems until i stopped feeling it. until i stopped wishing for it. until i stopped thinking about it.
how can you ever relate to me? how can you relate to a child whos seen the literal face of death many times?