do you really think like that or are you taking and repeating ideals you hear because they sound intellectual?
what are you really using your privilege for? posting about it on your social medias to receive that instant dopamine, an ego boost and validation? what's really changing? do you want to help people for them, or use their years of suffering, their history to make you feel good about yourself when you're only helping them when you want to? or will you keep lying to yourself?
whats happening with the internet and adults acting like teenagers?????? did i jump to another reality when 2011 ended bc that seems like it. when will people care about the important things i wonder, it's too depressing to think about
really tired of spending literally hours on something and the result is nothing close to what i wanted. my efforts are so fucking useless it's pathetic.
i forgot. i'm not meant to be here. being rewarded with an incurable condition after years of pure torture is the proof i'm not fucking meant to live.
and yes, it doesn't matter. living is a burden anyway. nothing feels right. nothing feels actually rewarding. at least, it's the only thing i'm certain of: soon, i'm ending this. this cycle. this disgusting body, which isn't safe, it isn't me, i'm only trapped inside it. soon. soon i'll get the peace i fucking deserve.
i've been feeling like a failure.
the rewarding feeling i get from doing anything exhausting is quickly consumed by the thought of it not being enough and calling myself dumb. feeling tired after exhausting tasks and doing my best (?) is constantly invalidated by my own brain.
i'd like to feel anything i do is enough, for once. i'd like to not invalidate my efforts for once and let myself feel tired.
but it doesn't work like that. it's not possible. nothing is enough, i'm not enough, nothing i do is enough, nothing will ever be enough and i will always be and feel like a failure. i don't deserve to feel tired, i don't have the right.
looking at this journal is funny. my website looks so happy, a collective of a lot of information and aesthetic i accumulated since i was a kid. i'm sorry i'm not a better person now. i'm sorry i lost you. i'm sorry i invalidated your feelings for so long. you were such a cool kid.
it's disappointing how much i try to break a cycle, it always comes back even though i've been careful. even though i've been trying. maybe humans aren't worth it at all. their convenient ignorance always shows through and i can't change that. my existence is eternally corrupted in many ways outside my own conscience. maybe i don't care enough anymore to reach for something outside.
A, maybe you're the only one i can trust and maybe you're the only friend i really need. you know who i am and you're still here. you actually listen. you don't assume anything about me. you respect me. you respect my past. you're so pure and so loving, i could never not consider you family.
i might make a script so i won't need to directly change this page every time... idk i'm just lazy.
now there are random hearts floating in my website!
i'm tired of being physical. i'm tired of feeling me. it's heavy.
and he knows what he chases is bad for his soul
but happiness fills only those who are whole