i wanna be like her. not exactly her, but i want her mentality. i wanna be ddiferrnent. i wanna ebe myself!!! i wanna meet people wh oare comfortbla withj me!!! with ME. not the one im trying so hard to be but yet no one fucking notices it bt u know what!!! its not their job@!! i know that. so maybe i should, be more truthful with people i like. maybe i shoudl let go of this sbitterness. naytbe i shouldnt let shit from the past affect me to theecxtend ruining my future friendships. i want that tooo!! i want that. i really want that. its a good 'envy'feeling. i admire her so much. she's herself, of course she didnt go through shit like me but the things she must have been through are also so valid and equal. so maybe. maybe. maybe its mny chance to fucking be a better person. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. m,aybe, maybe i can cdhange something for good in my life. maybe. im scared of going back yo normal and wanting to convince myself in a logical way that's not going to happen due to X Y Z VNM SIDEKJWSOLNM +infinite[ you know??????????? i dont want that. i want truthful people. i want that. i want that. im tired of hiding myself but its so hard to come out now. its been years. its ebeen fucking years. i wish i could findm yself again. i wish i could view the world in a less rational way. id be. so. happy.
i might make a script so i won't need to directly change this page every time... idk i'm just lazy.
anyways, my bunny is kinda sick and i took him to the vet today and he's in pain :( it's so sad. i'm hoping he'll get better soon! the IV and the medication will help him.
i hate when i notice he's acting strange because of course, i spend a lot of time with him, so when my family doubts that it's really annoying. i hate seeing him in pain :/ at least i was right and was lucky to notice it early!!!
to do today:
i'm not alone. i have people who actually care about me and they're rooting for me, they're wishing the best for me. i can't forget that. i can't get caught up in the toxicity around me.
i'm doing okay, studying seems the least of my problems right now tbh let's hope i'll keep 'controlling' my adhd and dealing with it with the help of the meds so i can get through this year
this needs to be my last line. it's going to be my last line.
i know i have issues with myself but please @ myself: be a problematic sad bitch at least after i've completed my goals.
this is going to be my last line.
i've been very busy but i want to add more things here :c i really hope i will have some free time to do that. currently i'm studying a lot and taking a computer programming course to improve what i already know and maybe learn some new things. isn't it ironic i know quite a bit of cp programming but my html skills still suck? web design isn't for me lmao
i finally have a true goal. something it's worth fighting for. something that will give me true peace. maybe it's not the ideal goal for someone to have, but it is for me.
i'm afraid of my future. i'm afraid of failing to accomplish the objective, i have a long way to go, but i must trust my brain and it's potential. hopefully.
sorry i'm kinda dead here. i feel like my brain is seriously FRIED recently and i've been. very. busy. fuck.
i just wanna draw something and chill for a second, but i can't, i have a lot of shit to do and i'm. tired. i'm fucking fried. but i WON'T STOP until i complete it.
now there are random hearts floating in my website! who doesn't love that.
man i'm so fucking tired. idk if its the vyvanse crash. i'm really fucking tired and i feel sick. maybe i'm not eating well... i'll watch dr. stone to distract myself, though i have things to do in the afternoon. sigh. i feel like laying in bed and just melting...
also i had like 1829733 nightmares, they're draining as fuck.
i'm tired. i don't know what to do. do i have to do anything at all?
i try to ignore it but i feel like such a waste of everything. i wanna write so much stuff but i'm also really tired for that.
i need to stop being so fucking lazy and finish my drawing already :c but i seem to only get things done when i take my medication. i'm too distracted.
okay i had a bunch of ideas so i 'm going to type them down so i don't forget about them but i just took my meds so i can sleep so if something is wrong here i'll fix it later!!!
these fucking artists coming out with ideas out of nowhere and acting all crazy and shit yes thats me.
advirus in a shooting position like holding her two guns and maybe change the design to a black pistol that looks kinda old but with some shiny magical stuff on it so she can switch. she's shooting fire + dark/light and lightning + dark/light, fire would be a normal shot with fire so it'll burn the target, can be shot multiple times lightning will electrify the target and stun them, can be shot multiple times but the stun will wear off. so if she mixes fire + lightning, the fire will take shape of a string of fire and then explode. fire + lightning/dark would increase the damage of the bursting fire with purple light. fire/dark + lightning would create black fires on the ground (stronger than the normal ones) towards the enemy and the bullet would electrify and explode the fire on the ground. fire/dark would surround the target with black fires (high damage since its black fire). lightning/dark would create a string of purple lightning, causing cuts on the target (high dmg due to +bleeding status). fire/dark + lightning/dark, probably the strongest one. she shoots a bullet with black fire and purple light that falls into the target from above and stuns them and another bullet that goes directly to the target with black fire and purple light, but creating a circle around them, with high burning damage since its dark fire + dark light.
i'm sticking with two guns. do i use a switch? a magical one so it's not going to be a realistic gun of course. the design would be something i can fit into other guns like revolvers and pistols. i have to come up with something... it would have a dark/light switch?? for fire and lightning.
her powerful guns must hurt her hands a lot so maybe she'll use gloves, maybe kinda ripped??? and the skin underneatth would be kinda red but not burnt.
normals attacks recharge instantly, but the higher the damage, higher the recharge time. defense skills from her guns are also required a certain amount of time to recharge.
i need to come up with something defensive too. maybe fire + lightning/light, the lightning would 'shape' the fire, while there's a wall of fire around her and it burns and electrifies if u step on it while healing through tiny strings of lightning. and only lightning/light to shoot a bullet that triggers a white, almost transparent wall in front of while slighly healing. she has low defense due to her powerful attacks!!
all of this may sound dumb but it' s very important due to the fact i'll be drawing her in a shooting position so i HAVE to create magical powers for the gun so i can be consistent with the way i draw and color the bullets.
i just added my instagram link to my bio page!! if u wanna be mutuals there send me a dm!!
i'm also updating this entry in a few hours when i have the time :3
i'm watching gakkougurashi while coloring my drawing but damn what a sad anime. i feel so bad for Yuki :ccc
also i feel like the day is passing way too fast... i hate this feeling, i have many things to do and it's suffocating.
i always feel like i'm dying and melting until vyvanse kicks in, ugh i feel like sleeping all day rn.
i've added new pages here c:
i'm tired of being physical. i'm tired of feeling me. it's heavy.
the time he returned, he was different i swear
cold winter eyes with a hollowing stare
he had burned all the furniture up in the air
cleaning his bones of the wounds he repaired
and he knows what he chases is bad for his soul
but happiness fills only those who are whole
he had given his pieces to those he had loved
moldy old fragments for no one inside - creeks in the floor
i feel sick... i'm feeling nauseous and i can't stop crying. i'm a horrible person after all. i may have a lot of empathy but i'm a bad person. i only make people suffer... i can't stand that fucking image in my head. i can't stand it....... i'm horrible. horrible. horrible. i don't deserve anything good. i'm so sorry.
my layout is completely changed now!!! i kept it simple but more colorful c:
every time i look at her my heart sinks... family shouldn't be like this.
oh and i really wanna change my layout but... no ideas so far. maybe i'll sketch something, i can think better when i'm drawing :c
track 23: roaring tides II (clannad)...
this whole discussion started bc i was watching an anime and the dog died... i obviously feel very sad and while my friend tried to comfort me saying it's only fiction, i started talking about: okay, i know it was created by a human, voiced by a human and ok. but many people watched the show and loved the dog, it feels like he's real you know? he's not a character anymore, lifeless. he's a dog with a past and he was very special. so it's hard to treat him like a work of fiction only.
clannad is such an excellent anime, how do people come up with such masterpieces? i mean, why can't i live on them?
why can't i become a collective consciousness? like the characters are created by a human being, voiced by other human beings and now they're a piece of fiction. but many and many people start to love those characters, the idea of them, their past, their problems, so much that it becomes real. it's like they're real people. real histories. they're themselves now, not the ones that were iniatially created.
why am i trapped in an empty body in such a rotten world? i'm here, trapped with fucking disgusting people everywhere in my life. people that can only hurt me. and it's a cycle. i've become a good reader of people in general just to avoid the problem of happening again. but it happens; because i'm human and when i grow a little closer to people, even though i know what to do, even though i KNOW! but seeing them in a rational way breaks my heart. but in the end, i'm always right. i'm right because i know people. i can read them. but i'm also too empathic to just... leave. it hurts me knowing it can happen again.. and it ends up happening again. but i also don't wanna be the person that doesn't trust anyone, i wouldn't find real people like that, and i think people do deserve a chance because they have nothing to do with my problems. but... i'm always hurt... i'm hurt many times... i try to be a good person and read the signals and ignore them because i don't wanna believe it's happening again. i feel dumb.
i feel absolutely dumb. i should be able to be completely emotionless and figure it out already. leave people. but i can't. i can't leave them until i know the thing that was going to happen, already happened. i'm dumb as fuck. i'm too empathetic. i'm always putting myself into other people's situations but i also know how bad they can be.
i don't like the feeling of existing. it's very heavy. negative energies seem to exert force against my body and they mold me more and more into something i don't wanna be/don't feel like. that's why i feel trapped in this... shell.
i could go on with live and be okay with it, meeting new people, but how do i do that when it happens every single time? i don't wanna go through this crazy bullshit anymore. it's sickening. i wanna have normal problems. not this. not this insane bullshit anymore. it's unavoidable to create a defense against it. a defense i can't even take out. it's tiring. and i feel alone. and i literally can't control it. how many fucked up stuff i had to go through for that to happen? how much do i have to endure still?
how can i even end a friendship when i'm already emotionally invested on it without feeling hurt? but i know it's the right thing to do??? and if i don't do that i always prove myself right. it always. ends up. happening. and not normal shit, but fucked up shit.
but how can you look at that person with emotionless eyes and not see the person you wanna see, but someone totally different who WILL fuck everything up? i'm human. i don't want to get hurt. but i'm tired. being that tired, i'll ignore shit and it'll hurt me even more later. bc i'm fucking dumb. i know it seems silly, thinking about it when i could move on with my life but i really can't deal with people being fucking insane anymore. my mental health is shit right now.
i wish i could be someone not so empathic, you know? but then, i'd probably hurt people and not notice it. or probably don't even care about it. and i can't stand the thought of hurting people and being one more shitty person in this world. it's like carrying a huge weight on your shoulders for years and years.
i can't even look at the mirror right now. how do you look at the mirror and automatically think 'that's me'? that's scary, 'cause i'm definitely unable to do that.
i look at myself and i think who the fuck is that??? why am i ONLY that?? why do i only have two legs, two arms, one brain, one head... why am i... only that? because i'm definitely more than my body, and showing it, my physical part, to people is annoying. and limited. don't stare at me, stare at ME. u know?
my art page is finally up! you should check it out :3
i may create a special layout for it but only when i have time :(
i've decided to start over on this. you know, the last entry i posted had me thinking... it's hard to start talking about my feelings. i really hate doing that, it makes me feel sick, but i wanna do it the proper way and maybe start not hating it so much.
i guess it's normal to restart.